The final day of my quarter.

Thank God. It’s been full of a lot of disappointing moments (along with a disappointing Women Writer’s final, despite a really good essay on “Girl, Interrupted”), but I’m glad to see that things are going to come to a pretty satisfying end.

To celebrate, I bought a couple of books on Amazon (Yes, I have a bit of a compulsive book-collecting addiction). One of them is “The Final Testament of the Holy Bible” by James Frey. To this day, I am unable to find that shit ANYWHERE, especially at a bookstore in Hollywood which seemed to have about every single fucking book that I’ve spent years searching for.

The other is “The Recognitions” by William Gaddis. Came across it at Book Soup (The Hollywood bookstore that I was talking about). It’s long as fuck, and that’s what I love about it. Jonathan Franzen loves it as much as I love “The Corrections”.

Things are looking a lot brighter after turning in my appeal essay for studying abroad in Italy for the 2013-14 school year. I have hope that things will turn out okay, especially after indicating that I respected their decision and wish those accepted the best of luck. I believe they’ll understand.

2:46 AM

It’s barely the beginning of Wednesday, and I had a pretty productive and motivated day yesterday, despite only getting one hour of sleep. 

I was able to finish my last two papers for Literacy and Writing Studies. They turned out to be alright. I’m extremely satisfied with my book review for 20th Century Europe, just because I went the extra mile in examining the writing styles, attention to detail, and how two biographies used Mein Kampf as a dominant primary source. I was not satisfied with the paper being in MLA format, so I rewrote it in Chicago Style (I personally like Chicago Style better for revisions to history papers). I’m still surprised that I’m able to write a damn good history paper. 

Yesterday also marked the longest time that I’ve ever spent on Reddit in a day. Most of that time was spent browsing through and commenting endlessly on some subreddits, mostly for books, literature, and screenwriting. 

The most surprising thing that happened during this time period was that, after some time of trying to decide on whether to appeal to International Programs for a spot for Italy, The appeal letter turned out to be very concise and detailed, and, like I did in my statement of purpose, I included examples of my extensive literary knowledge by mentioning four difficult authors and the works that they are known for in their contributions to literature. I also included a list of professors that I acquired faculty recommendations from (last year and this year), as well as testimonials of how each professor regarded me as an excellent candidate. I also mentioned my current history professor in my appeal letter, because he has been observing my progress and was really impressed with my ability to write a good history paper, despite being an English major. 

I believe that I have a very good feeling about two out of three of my classes. I hope to walk out of 20th Century European History with a B+ and an A in Literacy and Writing Studies. I may get out of Women Writers with a B+, at least. 

As disappointing as the quarter was, I don’t think it’s going to end badly at all, especially since I don’t have class on Friday. 

Tuesday.

Reddit = “Instead of preparing for my Women Writers final tomorrow, I’m just going to be stuck on the /r/booksuggestions subreddit and spam it with numerous book recommendations based off almost everything that is sitting in my dorm room right now.”

(I would be studying for my final right now, but Blackboard is down, making me unable to access each of the short stories on my syllabus). 

Literacy and Writing Studies…

a.k.a.: “In which I have to write an essay regarding a comparison of literacies between bookstores and libraries. In other words, this shit is not interesting at all.” 

As nice as my professor is, the class is just a disorganized mess. Most of it consists of more than one full hour of lecturing about the issue of literacy around America. While this could be interesting for some people, it just isn’t for everyone. It’s not that it’s dense or anything (it’s definitely not dense or difficult at all). It’s just boring as fuck. 

In regards to my “a.k.a” note at the top of this blog post, I’m currently trying to see if I can push my way to 6 pages for this essay. I just can’t spend 6 pages writing about literacy. -_-

2013 so far…

As much as I’m in a better mental state this year, and even had an excellent experience at an underground rave earlier this year, the quarter has been marked by a lot of disappointing moments, especially getting declined from the study abroad program for next year (I really think the competition got way too heated this year. I just had a bad feeling about it.). 

I had a late start earlier in the quarter and didn’t get my textbooks on time. I was also distracted from my studies and couldn’t get any good classes this quarter. As much as 20th Century Europe is interesting, I do not give a shit about Women Writers and Literacy and Writing Studies. They just seem very dull to me. 

It’s nearing the last week of the quarter and I feel like I’m not sure if I even gained anything from it. I’m left with no easy answers and the hopes that I get to at least study in London this summer for a program they just started off (I have an appointment with Financial Aid tomorrow to see if Summer Aid will be available, which will give me the opportunity to discuss my plans with them). I’m also left feeling cold and screwed over, if not feeling like I’ve failed my mission. I’m stripped of all of my past ties and stuck with a feeling of uncertainty about the future. I’m not sure if I’m just doomed to be stuck in a place where its novelty wore off a long time ago. 

I just don’t want to spend the summer in California. I don’t want to wake up every day either stuck at home or struggling to find something to do, wishing I was somewhere else at that moment. I really need a break from the convenience of everything. I just don’t want to sit back and be lazy all day, ingesting in Sativa strains. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t really think I’m getting anything out of marijuana. Other than the fact that it makes me a lot calmer, I also don’t feel as driven and motivated to succeed (and drive and motivation are REQUIREMENTS in my life).

I just need to see how tomorrow’s meeting goes. On the bright side, I should be receiving some financial aid money in my bank account in a couple of weeks. Maybe I can apply most of it towards the summer program application I submitted recently. Praying that they give me more financial aid (only struggle now is finding funds for the plane ticket to London).

It’s definite that things will be a lot better next quarter, but right now, things feel pretty bleak and uncertain. I’m a little surprised that I’m not wallowing in self-pity at this time. 

define: “Do it All”.

The official title of my next screenplay. I’m intending it to be a piece about obsession at its most dangerous. It’s going to focus a lot on social media, but I’m not going to spoil the outline for you at the moment. I’ll just tell you that I’m a little bit freaked out by the events I described. It’s meant to paint a pretty bleak portrait of how social media obsession has the power to drive society to compulsive madness. 

An experiment with social media stalking eventually leads to an outline for my next screenplay. 

The outline is sensory overload. I don’t know what it is, but while I was writing descriptions of scenes, a lot of material that I jotted down ended up being way too intense for me to write. I’m honestly freaked out by it. 

It feels a little too voyeuristic. This may be my first experiment with a voyeuristic work. I’ll have to see how it goes. 

On CSU International Programs…

This afternoon, I received an e-mail stating that I was not accepted into the program for the 2013-14 school year due to the following reason: COMPETITION. 

Let’s see… 6 faculty recommendations total (counting the three from last year), blisteringly high grades on both my required and recommended classes, a 3.207 GPA, and the indication on my Statement of Purpose in which I mention Leo Tolstoy, Fyodor Dostoevsky, and David Foster Wallace as authors that strengthen my dedication to my field. 

… and apparently, they even declined students with 4.0 GPAs. 

Also add that I’m about to walk out of this quarter with a very, very high GPA. 

I don’t see the rejection letter as a sign that I failed. I see the rejection letter as confirmation that CSU International Programs just cost themselves a very, very hard-working student. 

The next step for me is to do a Summer Program in London (Plan B), in which I’m going to be studying the fuck out of Shakespeare. 

Another idea comes to mind: I believe that I’m going to intimidate them even further next year with a stronger application and 4 faculty recommendations. If worst comes to worst, graduate school at Hull University (located in the East Riding of Yorkshire). 

One idea I had in mind was to make an appeal for possibly studying abroad in Italy next year. That doesn’t sound bad at all.

I’ve lost the battle. The war has not come to a conclusion yet. 

define: Asperger’s Syndrome

Definition: In which there’s nothing really wrong with you. Your mind is wired differently, making it very, very easy to see people’s true colors. 

I’ve been through too much shit struggling with coping with my condition. It was pretty severe for about 20 years of my life (I’m 21 now) and it involved a lot of social problems, ostracism, inability to communicate with other people, a fucking speech impediment and a fucked-up jaw that made it VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE to voice out my thoughts clearly. It got pretty bad in 2011 when I began to isolate myself, going as far as to spend an entire fucking school year locked in my dorm room, overdosing on Adderall and Zyprexa, hoping to just depart from society and this existence known as reality. I’m still healing from that year, despite a couple of hospitalizations, both due to psychotic breaks. 

As much as I can see the world in full color now and I’m in a drastically better place, I’m still trying to come to terms with a lot of my past and I’m still struggling to forgive myself for whatever chaos I’ve stumbled myself into. 

Today, I reaped some of the benefits of marijuana. I don’t find the plant addictive in any way (as some see it). It’s helped me center my thoughts, allowing to be more open and honest with myself. I don’t know what it is, but I’m starting to get really tired of the consistent anxiety that I feel as an aspie. Every morning, I’m either feeling cranky or just unable to focus on my homework as a college student should be.   It’s not a good feeling, in any way. 

Thank God. 

Torn between bad news and good news.

I’m going to start with the bad news first. 

The bad news is that I bombed my midterm for Early Medieval Europe. It was just way too difficult to grasp any of the material covered in class, and I also noticed that I got a very uncomfortable feeling about being in the course any longer, judging by being unable to reach out to other classmates for help and being unable to communicate with my professor about my struggles (she only communicates with students during office hours). I’m currently in the process of withdrawing from the course because the last thing I want is to experience a psychotic break if I stay in it any longer. Reading the required text felt so dry and uncomfortable because it was hard to comprehend the immensely dense writing style. I’ve also come to the conclusion that History is a totally different school of thought than what I expected. 

The good news is that I walked out of Women Writers with blisteringly perfect scores on my Critical Commentary paper and my final reading response for a short story we read. I’m not really sure if it’s enough to make me feel better. 

I’m not sure whether to feel guilty or relieved. On the bright side, withdrawing from the course will give me more breathing room to focus on 20th Century Europe, my Women Writers class, and my Literacy class. On the negative side, I feel so stupid for even registering for Medieval Europe. I really thought it was going to be worth grasping and getting engaged into. I was wrong.